


False Memories

by IvanW



Series: Stand-Alone Stories [3]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: First Time, Happy Ending, Head Injury, M/M, Memories, Mistaken for Being in a Relationship, Someone Else's Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-31
Updated: 2018-08-03
Packaged: 2019-06-19 15:47:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15513174
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IvanW/pseuds/IvanW
Summary: After a mission gone wrong, Jim makes an assumption, proved wrong.





	1. You've Got It All Wrong

Jim Kirk leaned against the observation glass, tears streaming down his face, his heart a sharp ache in his chest, and his stomach clenched tight. He couldn’t believe this. How was he supposed to get past this?

It was too much. So much pain. So much loss. Betrayal.

How could Spock do this? How?

“Jim.”

He closed his eyes. “Not now, Bones.”

“Jim, no. You have to listen.” Bones touched his arm, grabbing it and turning Jim toward him. “Jim, look at me. Jim, come on. Open your eyes.”

Jim forced himself to look at his friend. “Bones,” he whispered brokenly.

“Yeah.” Bones smiled a little. “Jim, listen to me. I know you’re very upset, but—”

“Can you blame me? Spock-Spock cheated on me.”

“Jim, no. You need to listen.”

“I can’t. I can barely even think. God.” He tried to pull away from Bones’ hold but his friend held on tight.

“If you don’t calm down I’m going to give you a hypo.”

“Bones.”

“Spock didn’t cheat on you!”

Jim finally pushed away from Bones and walked away, pacing the room. “I fucking saw it, Bones. I saw them together.”

“You saw Spock with his girlfriend, Uhura,” Bones said quietly.

“What? Since when?”

“Since always. Jim, they’ve been a couple since we met them.” He grabbed Jim’s biceps. “You aren’t with Spock, Jim. You never have been.”

He could feel his face drain of color. “What? But I…I remember. We-we are together.”

“No.” Bones had softened his voice even more. “Jim. You had an accident. You hit your head pretty badly on M56 and I thought you were okay, but you aren’t. That’s why I need you to come to the medbay so I can check your head injury again.”

Jim did feel very lightheaded all of a sudden. But…he couldn’t be wrong. He knew he and Spock had…hadn’t they?

Spock and Uhura had looked at him strangely when he had accused them.

_No._

He loved Spock. He did. And Spock—

“Come with me, Jim,” Bones said softly. “Let’s get you checked out.”

He let Bones take him off the observation deck and to the medbay. He didn’t speak and neither did Bones. They saw crew members on the way but Jim avoided their stares. Had everyone heard about him? About his…what? Mental breakdown?

“Here sit on this biobed, Jim. I’m going to do a scan.”

Jim numbly did as Bones said. Sitting through every scan and test Bones did without a protest or a word except when Bones asked him a question. He answered everything right.

Finally Bones sighed and looked unhappily at Jim. “I don’t understand it. Everything checks out. Just as it did before.”

Jim nodded. “Spock’s-Spock’s really with Uhura?”

“Yes, Jim. He is.”

He closed his eyes briefly. Then he opened them to look at Bones. He smiled falsely. “Can you do me a huge favor?”

“Anything.”

“Can you put me out for twenty-four hours? Confined to quarters. I don’t think I can face anyone right now.” Especially them, Jim thought.

“No one thinks badly of you, Jim. They know about your head—”

“Please?”

“Of course I will. Is twenty-four long enough or you want more?”

He still had his duties. He was still captain. Whatever humiliation he faced. Whatever heartache.

“Yeah, that’s enough, Bones. Thanks.” Jim slid off the biobed. “Can you let Spock know? I really don’t want to talk to anyone.”

Bones stared at him a moment, then nodded. “Okay. I’ll keep them away.”

Jim hugged Bones. He was on the verge of a cry fest and he was trying not to be. “Thanks. You’re the best.”

He released his best friend and left the medbay for his quarters as quickly as he could.

Once there he took a very long hot water shower, letting the grief and torment out. Had he really lost his mind? Which was worse anyway? Thinking Spock had cheated on him or finding out that Spock had never ever loved him? Jim didn’t know.

When he returned to the main room he knew he had reports to do but he just couldn’t make himself do them. So he got himself tea and sat at his terminal staring at it blankly.

He had memories of them together. He did. Them making love. Him laughing. Spock’s raised eyebrows. A Bonding ceremony. Their apartment in San Francisco.

_Oh God._

Jim buried his head in his hands.  

“Fuck me. These aren't my memories. They’re-they’re his.”

Ambassador Spock. Now it all made sense. What he saw was them when they were older. Bonded. T’hy’la. Their married life together. There was no Uhura between them. Only love.

When the old Spock had melded with him all those years ago on Delta Vega, he’d transferred these memories to Jim. And somehow, when he hit his head on M56, they’d returned to his consciousness.

And Jim…was the biggest fool.

He’d made a mess of it. And a complete idiot out of himself. In front of Spock and Uhura. And in front of the whole crew, really.

All because of memories that weren’t his.

He contacted Bones but was told by Nurse Chapel that he was with someone and would return Jim's call later. He was pretty sure he heard pity in her tone.

“You know, I’ll try later, Christine. I think I’m going to get some sleep.”

“Very well, Captain. I’ll let him know just the same.”

He finished his tea. Vulcan spiced, actually. Which he got from those stupid false memories too. That Jim had learned to like it and drank it with his husband. A husband Jim didn’t have and never would.

He drafted a message to Spock.

_Spock,_

_Sorry about the mess earlier and the accusations. I now know they were all in my head. It’s a long story but they were false memories I received as transference from Ambassador Spock back on Delta Vega. Anyway, please apologize to Uhura for me. I hope we can all get past this._

_Kirk_

He hit send before he could chicken out.

Then he staggered over to his bed and laid down, hoping sleep would take him and make things better when he finally woke.

****

He was awakened some time later by the chime of his door, which he ignored, placing the pillow over his head. It was probably Bones anyway and he’d talk to the doc later.

But Bones persisted because it continued to chime and chime.

Jim groaned. “Computer, identify pain in the ass.”

“Does not compute.”

“Computer, identify visitor.”

“Commander Spock.”

Okay, so Spock was going to insist on this confrontation. Terrific.

“Fuck. Computer, let him in.” 


	2. Their Life

Spock seemed startled to see Jim getting out of bed. “Forgive me, Captain. I was unaware you had retired.”

“You think that might have been why I didn’t answer the damn door?” Jim snapped. When Spock stiffened, he relented, tamping down his own annoyance and humiliation. This wasn’t Spock’s fault. He ran his fingers through his hair and headed for the replicator. “Sorry. Something to drink?”

“No, thank you.”

He got himself water and as he turned around he was super aware that he was only wearing a pair of pajama bottoms. He crossed his arm over his chest and then headed for his wardrobe.

“Hang on, will you?” Jim found a T-shirt from his Academy days that had faded and was filled with holes and pulled it on over his head. He turned back around. “You want to sit?”

Spock took the chair that was situated in front of his desk and Jim scooted into the chair behind his desk in front of his terminal.

He held up his hand when he saw Spock open his mouth to speak.

“I’m going to make this short and easy for both of us, Spock,” Jim said. “Back when you marooned me on Delta Vega, Ambassador Spock melded with me to make it quicker to tell me what was going on with Nero and all that. During that meld, he also transferred his emotional pain to me as well as some flashes of memory he hadn’t meant to show me. When I smashed my head on the rocks on M56 I guess it, I don’t know, dislodged those memories, _his memories_ , and I got confused. I’m very sorry I made you and Lieutenant Uhura uncomfortable. It won’t happen again.”

“Then my counterpart and yours were bonded in their universe.”

Jim shrugged and waved that away. “I guess so. But whatever. That’s not us. You said so yourself before. If you feel the need to file a report I won’t stop you.”

Spock blinked. “A report?”

“Yes for harassment against you and Uhura. Unintentional it might have been, it was completely uncalled for, and you have my sincerest regrets. As I said in my message, I hope to put this behind us and move forward.”

“I will not file a report.”

Jim blew out a breath. “Okay. Good. Not sure I need another one on my record at this point. If there’s nothing else, I’d really like to get some rest. Bones has me out on medical.”

“I am aware. Captain…”

When Spock stopped, Jim raised both eyebrows.

“Yeah?”

Spock began to rise. “There is nothing else. If you are sure—”

“Very sure. Just a little residual confusion.” Jim rose too and walked around his desk to make sure Spock went to the door and left. “Everything’s already fading and I’m getting close to being back to normal.” He tried a smile. “Normal for me anyway. Thanks for stopping by. And again, I’m sorry.”

“There is no need for you to further apologize, Captain. It has been accepted. And I do offer my apology for interrupting your rest.”

Jim waved that away. “Going right back to it. It’s fine. Night, Spock.”

After Spock left, Jim locked the door with his code, finished his water and went back to bed.

 

_“I have a surprise for you,” Jim announced as Spock walked beside him. He couldn’t help but smile at his husband. He wore one of his off white robes today, cinched at the waist, and sandals. The weather was warm in San Francisco, but Spock, naturally, did not sweat. Which was more than could be said for Jim._

_Spock glanced his way. “A surprise? You know that I am not particularly fond of surprises.”_

_Jim laughed. “I know. But you’ll like this, I promise.” He reached for Spock’s hand and expected the Vulcan to move it out of his reach, so he was surprised when Spock allowed the contact. “Didn’t think you liked such displays of emotion.”_

_“If you thought that, then why did you grasp for my hand?”_

_He chuckled again. “Because I’m not at all logical and there’s always a chance, like now, where you’ll be amenable.”_

_Jim stopped in front of the tea shop that Spock was known to frequent. “Let’s go in here.”_

_Spock gave him a minute frown. “I do not require additional loose tea supplies at present. We purchased quite a lot the last time we were here.”_

_“I know, but maybe they’ll have something different.”_

_“Not likely.”_

_“Maybe they’ll have that Vulcan Spice Tea you like,” Jim persisted._

_“Even less likely. As you know I have inquired after it several times and they do not. I will have to make a purchase the next time we make a trip to Vulcan.”_

_Jim sighed. “Just indulge me, Spock.”_

_That earned him a look, but Spock gave a small shrug and accompanied Jim inside._

_Jim approached the counter and smiled at the good looking youth standing there._

_“Sirs! It’s great to see you both.”_

_“You too, Larry. My husband here doesn’t believe you will have any Vulcan Spice Tea.”_

_Larry winked and reached under the counter. He pulled out a large bag of tea, which he handed to Spock. “Here you are, Sir. Vulcan Spice Tea.”_

_Spock looked at Jim. “How did you arrange this? In the past, they have always said they could not order it.”_

_“I have my connections. Thank you, Larry. Put that on our account, will you? Have a good day.”_

_“I will. Have a good day!”_

_They left the shop._

_“That was indeed a pleasant surprise,” Spock said._

_“Sweetheart, that was not the surprise.”_

_Spock’s steps faltered. “It was not?”_

_“Nah, that was just an extra something. Hell, these days I like to drink that stuff as much as you do. It’s nice having a warming tea on a cold day. Not that today qualifies. I’m sweating.”_

_They were getting close to their building. They’d walked from HQ. They’d considered getting a hover cab but Jim knew that Spock preferred to walk and it really wasn’t that far._

_“What is the surprise?” Spock asked, just shy of a demand._

_“If I tell you now, it’s not going to be a surprise.”_

_“Jim—”_

_“Spock, really. It’s not a horrible thing.” Jim stopped in front of their building and looked up. “Here we are.”_

_Spock dutifully followed Jim inside but Jim could tell Spock was still considering what his surprise might be. He shook his head and smiled as Spock headed toward the stairs, as they often did._

_“You know, I’m going to take the lift up.”_

_Spock turned back to him. “We can both take the lift if you are tired, Jim.”_

_“No, no. You take the stairs. I’ll see you up there.”_

_That earned him another one of Spock’s looks but he just grinned and went to the lift, making sure Spock really went up the stairs. He did of course._

_Jim reached their apartment first and hurried in, once he’d gotten the door open. “Computer, lights.”_

_He rushed into the kitchen, took the cake out of the fridge, stuck on the candles as quick as he could before lighting them. Then he went into their closet to pull out the box with the big silver bow. He brought it out and set it next to the cake._

_Finally he took out the container of plomeek soup and set it on the stove to heat._

_Everything ready, he heaved a sigh of relief and waited for Spock’s footsteps outside._

_The door opened._

_“Surprise!” Jim called out._

_Spock stared at the cake and the present and then glanced toward the stove. “What is this?”_

_“Your birthday, of course,” Jim explained. “Yes, I know all about the illogic of it. But indulge me. And indulge you, too. I know how you love sweets, so, I couldn’t resist.” He pointed to the cake. “Blow out the candles. I have plomeek soup too.”_

_Spock’s lips curved upwards. “You did not have to do this, t’hy’la.”_

_“I know,” Jim said, standing beside Spock as he leaned over to blow on the candles on the cake. “But after everything we’ve been through lately, I think we both needed this.” He reached for Spock’s hand again. “I know there’s still so much you don’t remember, and maybe you never will, but I hope you know and remember how very very much I love you.”_

_Spock pulled Jim into his arms and held him close. “That is something I will never forget, Jim.”_

 

Jim woke up, his heart aching, and his face wet. He wiped his face.

_Them again. Their memories. Their love. Their life._

And now of course he knew that. Was no longer confused at all about this Spock. But the thing was, did he actually love Spock or was it left over feelings from his own counterpart and the ambassador’s memories?

He pressed the button beside his bed. “Hey, Bones?”

“Yeah, Jim?”

“I need someone to talk to. You busy?”

“On my way.”

Maybe talking it out with Bones would make everything clearer. If he loved Spock, it didn’t really matter, of course, but if it wasn’t really _his_ love, but another’s, maybe Bones could help him get rid of all that. _Somehow_.

It was worth a shot if it meant he wouldn’t have to be miserable in unrequited love.

Jim got up and got dressed to wait for Bones.         


	3. Smiles We Gave to One Another

 Nyota seemed surprised to see him at her door. Spock was no less surprised.

“Spock? What are you doing here?”

“May I—”

“Come in.” She stepped aside to let him into her quarters, then she poked her head out into the corridor and then came back inside, letting the door close. She was dressed in a long flowy nightgown similar to those Spock had seen her in countless times.

Spock began to pace agitatedly, and then stopped when he realized what he was doing.

“What’s going on? I thought you went to see Kirk.”

“Yes. I…” Spock shook his head. “It did not go as we planned.”

“Maybe you’d better tell me everything.” She gestured to her couch and moved toward it.

Spock nodded. He took the seat next to her, mindful to give her enough room to tuck her legs underneath her as she was wont to do.

“As I informed you, the captain advised that his impressions regarding us related to memories he obtained from my counterpart.”

“Okay.”

“He reiterated this information in his quarters and then…dismissed me.”

“ _Spock_. You have to be more stubborn than he is. I told you that.”

“I was not given the opportunity.”

Nyota sighed. “Did you explain that you and I ended our relationship and that what he saw was two friends platonically offering comfort to each other after a difficult mission?”

“Negative. He was not at all in the mood for conversation. He’d been resting and seemed irritated that I had interrupted.”

“What am I going to do with you? You march right back over there and tell him that whatever he remembers between your counterparts doesn’t matter because _you_ are in love with _him_ and want to begin something with him.”

“If he is amenable.”

“Spock, he’ll be _more than_ amenable. Trust me.”

“Are you basing your speculation—?”

“It’s not speculation, it’s a certainty.”

“On the fact that he, as you put it yourself, ‘freaked out’, over seeing us together in an embrace, which most certainly was because of his false memories concerning what he believed—”

“ _Spock_. You’re giving me a headache. You know I was encouraging you to confess your amorous feelings far before all this happened. You happened to be chicken.”

“I was not—”

“Do not say something about not being a barnyard animal,” she huffed. “I’m not in the mood. Spock.” She now softened her tone. “Honey, I care more about you then anyone else on this ship, you know that. Our not working out, ultimately, as a couple doesn’t change that and it never will. You’re my best friend. Practically my brother. I know you love him.”

“Yes, but—”

“He loves you too.”

“How do you know?” Spock asked doubtfully.

She smiled. “How could he not? I know love when I see it and he is in love. No matter what the memories are doing to him, he loves you. But he’s scared. And embarrassed. He doesn’t know how you feel, Spock. You _have_ to tell him. No matter how hard that is.”

She leaned against him and he leaned his head against hers. They stayed that way for a while. Nyota always understood him. Maybe that was why they worked so well in the first place, but their relationship had long since become more comfortable than loving. They loved, of course, but not the way it should be for either of them.

Jim and Spock’s feelings for him were anything but comfortable.

****

“So, let me get this straight,” Bones said, sipping at his glass of bourbon. “The stuff you’re seeing are actually the days of the other Jim and the other Spock.”

“Yes.”

Bones shook his head. “Definitely weird. How much are you seeing or remembering? Whatever.”

Jim leaned his head back against the sofa he sat on. “Everything, I think. I mean, there’s a lot. Things, well, obviously I know now that never happened between me and Spock. And I guess they never will.”

“Like?”

He shrugged. “Their intimate life. They…well, it’s different than I would expect, I guess. What I imagined with Spock.”

“How?”

“I don’t think I should say. Bones, they aren’t really _my_ memories. They belong to them and sharing them, I don’t know, it seems wrong.”

“Even though they were shared with you.”

“Not on purpose.”

Bones eyed him. “How do you know?”

Jim looked at him. “What?”

“I’m just saying you think the old hobgoblin shared them with you by accident when he melded with you, but, I don’t know, Jim, from what I know about Vulcans, they have pretty good control of all that, so how do you know he didn’t deliberately share them with you as some sort of way to push you in that direction with Spock.” Bones paused. “Our Spock.”

“I don’t, I guess. And that’s the thing, too, Bones. If these are their memories, how do I know any of what I feel about Spock is real? It could all be tied to that stuff. Before I ran across Ambassador Spock on Delta Vega, I certainly didn’t have any lovey dovey feelings toward Spock. He hated me and I wasn’t real fond of him either. Then wham, the old guy’s memories hit me and suddenly I’m head over heels. It’s too weird.”

“Hmm. So you’re saying you don’t really love Spock?”

“Well. Maybe I don’t. He did, the other me, so now I love Spock. And these are _his_ feelings, not mine. Think about it, Bones. When have you ever known me to fall in love with anyone?”

“That doesn’t mean you aren’t capable of it, Jim.”

“Why Spock then? I mean sure he’s insanely gorgeous. And brilliant. And brave. Strong. He’s a great listener. You’d be surprised, probably, but he really is. He can come up with stuff you didn’t even think about and make it make sense. And he’s surprisingly not as judgmental as I first thought he was. He’s super open-minded. And his advice is usually spot on.” Jim leaned forward. “The thing is, he’s not annoying about it. I thought he would be. I thought he’d be one of those types who gives you advice when you haven’t even asked for it, but he waits for you to seek him out and ask. And—”

“Jim.” Bones held up his hand. “I get it. You’re glowing words are making me in danger of being in love with Spock. Listen, I have something to say that I don’t think you’ve really considered.”

Jim blew out a breath. “What?”

“You keep saying _their_ memories. But it’s not. It’s the other Spock’s memories. You’re viewing that Jim through Spock’s memories, not Kirk’s. So while those memories might have convinced you that Spock loved you and was with you, it wouldn’t make you feel love for Spock. Our Spock. Old Spock’s memories _can’t_ make you feel love for Spock you don’t actually feel. I don’t think so anyway.”

“Shit. I didn’t think of it like that.” Jim buried his face in his hands. “Damn. You’re right.”

“So, yeah, our Spock’s all yours.”

Jim looked up and shook his head. “Except he isn’t. Not at all. He’s Uhura’s.”

Bones reached over and squeezed Jim’s shoulder. “I’m sorry, Jim.”

“I know. And I have to deal with this. I do. I just…I don’t want these memories. Why he transferred them to me, I don’t know. But I want them gone.”

“I’m not sure how we accomplish that, Jim,” Bones admitted.

“Maybe Vulcan healers. I mean these are Vulcan memories, from a meld, so maybe—”

The door chimed.

Jim frowned. “Computer, identify visitor.”

“Commander Spock.”

Jim closed his eyes.

“Want me to send him away?” Bones asked gently.

He opened his eyes and shook his head. “No. I’ll talk to him. Thanks, Bones. But I have to fix this.”

They both stood up and walked to the door. Jim pushed the button that opened it.

“Captain, I…Doctor McCoy.” Spock’s eyes widened very slightly.

“Spock.” Bones slipped past Spock and out the door. Spock’s gaze followed him as he walked down the corridor.

“Come in,” Jim said softly.

Spock hesitated a moment, but then stepped into Jim’s quarters. Jim hit the button to close and lock the door.

“Want anything?”

“No.”

“Listen, I, uh, I’m sorry for not letting you have your say earlier.” Jim moved further into the room, running his fingers through his hair. He was still dressed as he had been when Spock was here earlier. Pajama bottoms and the old Academy shirt he’d pulled on. He felt under-dressed, really. He turned to face Spock. “This is just…really awkward for me.”

“I understand.”

“But what I think I’m dismissing is that it’s got to be pretty awkward for you too. If we-if we’re going to get past this, you have the right to have your say too.”

Spock was staring at him with those extraordinary dark eyes. For a moment, Jim could have sworn they held the same look of love the Spock in his memories had. Which probably meant he really had gone off his rocker.

“I do not want to get past it,” Spock finally spoke.

And honestly, Jim had no idea what he meant. He could come up with a hundred different scenarios in his head, all bad for him, he imagined, and none of them would probably be right. So instead he shut his mouth and waited for Spock to continue.

“I could, as surely Doctor McCoy would say, ‘beat around the bush’, and delay what I came here to say, but I am fairly certain that Nyota would strike me if I did.”

“Spock—”

“I love you.”

The words were said so straight forward and simply that Jim gaped at him. Whatever Jim had expected—

“I cannot say when I began to, as most humans would demand that information, but I know that I do. I have no memories of another Jim. I do not share my counterpart’s past life. It is you that I love. That I want. That I need. That I want to spend all of our remaining days with.”

“But—”

“Please. I have been rehearsing this for a very long time. I wanted to tell you before but I was convinced you could never share the depth of my regard.” Spock took a deep breath. “When you hit your head we thought…I thought you would not recover. There was so much blood. You were so pale. Your pain was great and I…” He shook his head. “I have never had so much trouble forming words. Nyota comforted me as a friend. Our relationship had become non-romantic months ago. My bond with Nyota is a familial one. She has encouraged me to talk to but I have been—”

Jim went to Spock, framed his face in his hand and crushed his lips to Spock’s. It took only seconds for Spock to react. Then he was kissing Jim back with a fierceness that nearly knocked Jim off his feet as he seized Jim into his arms.

He pulled back enough to say, “I love you. So fucking much. I love you.”

Spock made a strange little sound and then he was kissing Jim again, holding him off the damn floor with his strength and when the back of Jim’s legs hit the bed, he tore his mouth away.

“Wait. Aren’t I supposed to—?”

“What?” Spock pulled the shirt off over Jim’s head.

Jim felt himself blush. “Well, in his memories he was, er, I mean he preferred—”

Spock arched a brow. “That is him. This is us.”

Jim nodded frantically. “I couldn’t agree more.” He bit his lip. “I don’t have any—”

“I will take care of it.”

“Oh.” Jim’s eyes widened. “ _Oh_.”

****

“That was-that was so incredible.”

Spock had to agree. “Yes.”

“The best sex ever.”

“Jim.”

“Well, it was.”

“I agree. I meant that we should talk.”

Jim pulled away from him and sat up. “Yeah.”

“The memories.”

“Do you think one of your healers could rid me of them?”

Spock watched Jim for a moment. He rubbed Jim’s back. “I could likely make you forget them.”

Jim glanced at Spock in surprise. “You-you can?”

“Yes.”

“It must have been strange having me accuse you of cheating on me.” Jim smiled a little. “It’s kind of funny.”

“It is not,” Spock said softly. “You were in distress. I do not like to see you upset.”

Jim shook his head. “Over something that didn’t happen. Wasn’t true.”

“For the record, I never would.”

Jim reached for Spock’s hand, held it. “For the record, same. Those memories, they were so confusing at first. I didn’t know what they were or where they were coming from. But now, God Spock, they make me sad.”

Spock furrowed his brows. “Why, ashayam?”

“They were _so_ in love. The ambassador. His feelings. They were intense."

Spock nodded. “I can imagine. If your counterpart was anything like you, Jim, I am not at all surprised at the depth of the ambassador’s regard.”

Jim smiled crookedly. “Yeah?”

“Very much so. But why does that make you feel sorrow?”

“They bonded, you know. A ceremony on Vulcan and everything.”

“It is somehow gratifying to know that they were together. Not because it explains us, but rather, he deserved what happiness he had, however fleeting.”

“And that’s just it, Spock, it was brief. They went through so much and then they were finally happy. But they didn’t get a lot of years together. Jim was gone and Spock was, God, he was so sad.” Jim’s eyes welled up with tears. “His memories of Jim were good. They were. But the pain after…fuck. He endured so much.”

“I do not think I am speaking out of turn when I say that I imagine he would have rather had even one day with Jim than never knowing that love.”

“So much loss and sadness,” Jim whispered. “Is it really worth it?”

“Look into your own heart, Jim. Is it not?”

“Knowing that you love me is-is…everything,” Jim admitted. “If I die tomorrow—”

Spock stopped the words with his fingertips on Jim’s mouth. “Do not. We have still many years ahead of us. Perhaps even more than we would have had if you had not been revived by Khan’s blood. We cannot know, but I am hopeful.”

“That’s a nice thought.” Jim lowered his gaze. “They didn’t even get to say goodbye. It was…Jim’s death was unexpected.”

“There is never a way to truly say goodbye to someone loved so much, ashayam. The hole is there, no matter.”

A tear fell down Jim’s cheek. He nodded.

“Will you bond with me?”

Jim looked up startled.

“I know it is soon. We have just reached the point where we are even able to admit the depth we feel for each other, however, I—”

“Don’t want to waste time we could spend as bondmates,” Jim finished.

Spock nodded. “Yes. I find myself eager to be a part of you as quickly as possible. I have loved you in silence for longer than I should have.”

“Of course I will. We can contact Starfleet and arrange some time to go to New Vulcan.” Jim brought Spock’s fingers to his lips. “T’hy’la.”

Spock gasped. “You know that word?”

Jim smiled. “From the memories. He used that for Jim.”

“Yes,” Spock said. “As you are for me.” He put his other hand up to Jim’s face, to the meld points. “Do you wish for me to help you to forget those false memories?”

“No.” Jim grabbed Spock’s hand off his face. “There is no one left to remember them. I want to save them. They were happy and in love and I want to know that. Always.”

“And we, my ashayam, we will make our own memories.”

“Yes.” Jim smiled. “We already are.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end.
> 
> Thank you for reading


End file.
